December 2003: SDR talks Daniel
Not so surprising in itself (what does that 'D' stand for again...?) but the subject was, in fact, his brain.
And a lovely brain it is too.
But absent has it been, and we wonder where the writers may have been hiding it.
How will it escape? What trials will it face?
And, most importantly, will it find true happiness at the side of its rival, Sam's Brain?
That's the Saga of Daniel's Brain.
Murky shadows filled the corners of the meeting
room. Hunched over the conference table like a bunch of Quasimodos in three-piece
suits were several men. They spoke in furtive whispers, frequently looking over
their shoulders. Another man entered the room and shut the door behind him.
Everyone sat down at the table.
"All right, gentleman. We're here to discuss the problem with the new guy,"
announced the newcomer, who shall henceforth be known as 'Bossman'. "Have
any of you read the script he just finished?"
A few heads nodded. Bossman jerked his head at one of them.
"Why don't you give us a brief summary of what's on the last five pages," he said.
The chosen man, who shall henceforth be known as 'Nervous Scriptwriter', quickly flipped through the pages of the document before him until he came to the right page. "Uh, Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c and some guy who's an expert in hieroglyphs and all that kind of stuff are trapped in an ancient building, and they can't get out," he stammered. "A booby trap set by the Goa'uld has gone off, and the place is going to blow up in a couple of minutes. There are these pictures and markings all over the walls that don't make any sense to the hieroglyph guy, but Daniel figures out what the pattern is and discovers that the pictures and stuff are instructions on how to get out of the room. He touches a bunch of things, and a hidden door opens. Everyone gets out just in the nick of time."
"Okay, does anyone see the problem with this scene?" Bossman asked.
The other men all looked at each other. One of them, a sharply dressed man who shall henceforth be known as 'Well-Manicured Scriptwriter', held up his hand, and Bossman nodded at him.
"Daniel is the one who saves them," he stated calmly.
"And the scene shows how really smart he is," another man, who shall henceforth. . . . Oh, never mind. Just call him Scriptwriter #4.
"Exactly!" Bossman shouted, slamming his hand on the table, making everyone else jump. "And what is the rule about that?"
"No script can show how really smart Daniel is," everyone else said by rote.
"All right, now that we know the problem, we can fix it," Bossman said. "We need to change the script so that they get out of the room without Daniel's help. The first thing that has to go are the pictures on the walls. They're too obviously a lead-in for Daniel being the one who rescues everyone."
"But that would make the hieroglyph guy superfluous. He's there only as a setup for the display of Daniel's brain," Nervous Scriptwriter said.
"Okay, then get rid of him. In fact, he's no longer needed for the episode at all, so completely cut him out. What's next?"
"We must find another way for everyone to escape out of the room," Well-Manicured Scriptwriter answered.
"We could have Teal'c blast a hole in the wall," a man who . . . Scriptwriter #5 suggested.
Bossman shook his head. "Too easy."
"We could have another SG team rescue them," Scriptwriter #6 said.
"No, the fans like to see SG-1 get out of situations themselves," Bossman responded.
The scriptwriters leaned over the table and started muttering to each other again.
"Hey! How about if we have Carter find an alien technical doohickey, figure out how it works, and use it to open the hidden door?" suggested Scriptwriter #4.
"Excellent!" Bossman said with a smile. "Good thinking. That will work perfectly with our present campaign of having her appear to be the only really smart one on SG-1. Since it was your idea, I'll let you do the rewrite on the script."
"Oh, thank you, sir! I'll do my best, sir! I won't disappoint you, sir!" Scriptwriter #4, whom I just decided we'll rename Butt-Kissing Scriptwriter, said excitedly, looking like a Labrador Retriever who'd just received praise from his master.
"All right, now onto the second problem. What do we do about the new guy, the one who wrote this script?"
"The answer is obvious," said a voice from the shadows. A scary-looking man stepped forth. He brought a cigarette to his lips and took a puff. "Either we educate the man of the rules and make sure he follows them or we get rid of him."
All the other scriptwriters glanced at each other nervously, then turned back to Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter.
"W-w-we'll talk to him right away, sir," stuttered Nervous Scriptwriter.
Bossman got to his feet. "All right, you have your assignments, so go do them, and don't let this happen again."
Everyone in the room left, except for Bossman and Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter.
"You know, sooner or later, the fans are going to figure out what's going on," Bossman said, "especially the Daniel Jackson fans. They're not stupid."
Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter gave him a ghastly smile. "We control the viewers. We control what they see and what they think. Our plot to make the viewers think that O'Neill and Carter are in love with each other worked. They believed the lie."
"Not everyone. There are some who didn't believe it. They figured out the truth, that it's Carter and Jackson who belong together."
Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter waved his hand in dismissal. "A pitiful few viewers cannot change the future. Our plans will work."
"I hope you're right. If not, everything will be ruined. We'll get fired."
Bossman left the meeting room. Flicking out his cigarette, Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter stroked a hand over the object he held tucked under his arm, smiling. Everything was going to work out perfectly.
The man's confidence was suddenly shattered by the sound of a piercing shriek. A scriptwriter who had not been in the meeting came rushing in, wild-eyed.
"Eeek! Daniel's brain got out!" the horrified scriptwriter screamed.
"What?! How did that happen? I thought we had it locked safely away," Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter yelled, all of his composure gone.
"Oh, I don't know! It just . . . just slipped out. I turned my back, and it had escaped."
"Well, we have to get it back! We're not supposed to let it out. Jackson isn't supposed to be portrayed as smart as he really is, and you know it! All the smart, smart stuff is supposed to be from Carter's brain, which I have right here, all polished up and on display like a trophy." He again stroked the object that was under his arm.
"I know, sir, but I'm afraid it's too late. The new script has been sent out, and everyone's read it. We can't suddenly do a rewrite and change the affected scenes without people getting suspicious."
Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter groaned. "Oh, this is a disaster. What do we do? What if Daniel's brain goes running to the fans and shows itself to them? Then they'll know what we've been intentionally doing. A lot of them could get really, really mad. I shudder to think what the Michael Shanks and Daniel Jackson fans will do to us." He paused in thought. "Uhhh, am I all paid up on my life insurance policy?"
"I don't know what we're going to do, sir, but I think that, right now, we need to find the brain before it does any more damage, like write an entire script that showcases Daniel's brilliance."
Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter shuddered in horror and fear. "You're right. Come on. Let's go look for it. Heeeere, brainy, brainy, brainy. . . ."
- Maureen
Power That Be: There you are brain. What do you think you're doing out there on your own. Didn't we tell you to stay nice and quiet? Daniel's Brain: Hey, I'm Daniel's brain. When's the last time Daniel followed orders, especially from authority type figures?
Power That Be: Good point. It's not one of his strong points.
Daniel's Brain: Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a crisis to solve.
Power That Be: Wait just a minute. I'm the boss here.
Daniel's Brain: That's what Jack thinks, too! But just who is right all the time?
Power That Be: But he's the star.
Daniel's Brain: Mute point. I have star status now, too. Have you looked at the opening credits lately? My name is on screen!
Power That Be: Don't let it go to your head. We giveth, we can taketh away.
Daniel's Brain: I'll sick my fans on you. Imagine the website ... savedanielsbrain.com! Think of the letters to the network ..."they are stifling our education, keeping Daniel's brain thwarted, hidden". Your own spouses and children will be hounding you!
Power That Be: Okay, okay, just ... behave, will ya? We have a Carter thing going here.
Daniel's Brain: Gotta love that Sam -- gorgeous babe, but I opened the Stargate pals, and I have the diplomas. Now start showing it, or I'll convince Michael and the network that it's time for a spin off.
Power That Be: Spin off? You can't!
Daniel's Brain: Think of it ... Daniel's Stargate ... all Daniel, all the time ... special guest appearances of Rick, Amanda, and CJ, of course. I'll be famous!
Power That Be: We've created a monster. (in desperation) You wouldn't dare leave again! You need us.
Daniel's Brain: I understand Corin is still available. Maybe Jonas can come back and bury his speared fish. I'll notify the fans now. Where's Daniel's laptop?
Power That Be: Wait! You win! You're a genius! We'll ... acknowledge the brain!
Daniel's Brain: Thank you. A little recognition goes a long way. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go snuggle with Carter's brain. She needs me! Has a small problem thinking outside the box, and I'm going to help her.
Power That Be: You're going to help Carter to think like you?
Daniel's Brain: No, can't change canon. I'm
just warming her up to the idea of shared cohabitation. You know, the foreplay.
Daniel's body will handle the followup. <wink>
- Marcia
"DB!" Sam's Brain cried joyfully, jumping down from the pedestal she'd been placed on.
"SB!" Daniel's Brain called as he came up to her.
"Oh, DB. I've been so worried about you. We haven't seen you for so long that I was afraid something had happened to you."
"I've been a prisoner. They had me locked away so that the fans wouldn't see me. The scriptwriters are part of some nefarious plot to control the minds of the Stargate fans. For some reason, they want everyone to think that Daniel's not as smart as he is."
"Yes, I know. I've noticed what's been going on with the scripts. I've tried to change it, but I haven't had much success."
"I know, SB, and I really appreciate what you've tried to do. You're a good friend. But I think I've found a solution. As you can see, I managed to escape. The first thing I did was immediately send out the script written by that new guy. It has a great scene for Daniel in it."
"That's great! The fans will love it!"
"Then I had a little talk with The Powers that Be. I threatened to pull some strings and launch a spinoff for Daniel."
"A spinoff? But, DB, you can't! If you go off into a spinoff, we'll hardly see you here anymore. We already lost you once. It was awful not having you for the sixth season. You were really missed."
"Don't worry, SB. I was mostly bluffing. I'd only do that if there was no alternative. And, if I did get a spinoff started, we could go together, call it "Daniel and Sam Through the Wormhole." Jack and Teal'c could do guest appearances six or seven times a year. How would you like that?"
Sam's Brain smiled. "I think I'd like that. You and I don't get nearly enough screen time together anymore, just the two of us. We could reestablish that whole mental connection thing we had going on in the first couple of seasons."
Daniel's Brain grinned. "Yes, talking about a mental connection, how would you feel about a bit of cohabitation? You know, a little sharing of minds?"
Sam's Brain looked at him, a sultry expression on her face. "Only our minds, DB?"
Daniel's Brain's smile turned wicked. "Oh, I think we could talk our bodies into getting in on the fun, don't you?"
"Oh, definitely."
Hidden where they could not see him, New Scriptwriter smiled. Things were going well. His script had been just the first step in wresting control away from the Stargate Script-writing Syndicate and destroying their evil plot. The truth was out there, and the world was going to know.
-Maureen
Somewhere on the set of SG-1...
"Yes... yes, I understand... all necessary steps will be taken to resolve this... yes, thank you, sir... Goodbye, sir."
Bossman clicked the 'end' button on his cell phone, placing it carefully in the bottom of his desk drawer so as to keep it from being discovered. It was no sooner than the drawer was shut when a knock on the door startled Bossman out of his thoughts.
The Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter stepped in, closing the door behind him with practiced silence. He pulled out a cigarette, prepared to light it with an authentic SG-1 lighter he had picked up from one of the other Scriptwriters. It featured a collage of Sam pictures on one side and had the no-smoking sign on the other, Daniel's face replacing the cigarette. Cliche, he knew, but it got the point across.
Bossman cleared his throat. "Sir... no smoking in the trailers."
The Cigarette Smoking Scriptwriter, unfazed, lit his cigarette. "What did he say?"
Bossman grimaced. "He says to keep the scripts underscoring Jackson's true genius from being released at all costs."
"Even at the expense of the show?"
"Yes. We even have the authority to pull a 'Fragile Balance' on a script if necessary."
'Fragile Balance,' as everyone knew, was an SG-1 episode kept on the back burner and not finished for many years, although the idea of the episode was one toyed around with for years. Was this another example of how Daniel's brain was thwarted? The episode was one of very many episodes highlighting Sam's brain -- Daniel and Teal'c were relegated to interviewing alien abductees. Sam was even shown to be closer to teenage Jack than Daniel, when we know Daniel is good friends with Jack! Was this another piece of the conspiracy?
"He must be desperate to keep this contained."
Bossman nodded. "He has a right to. The number of Jackson fans is staggering, and some are even figuring out about our O'Neill/Carter ploy and are converting to a Carter/Jackson point of view. He is almost frantic."
"In that case... execute the
New Scriptwriter immediately."
- Steph
"Jack!" Daniel shouted, running down the hall toward his friend.
"Hey, Daniel." The colonel paused. He looked at his friend more closely. "There's something different about you."
"Yeah, I got my brain back."
Jack's eyebrows rose. "Really? How'd that happen? I thought you lost it or something."
"No, it was stolen by the scriptwriters. You see, there's this plot to make me look less intelligent than I am, make Sam look like the only genius on SG-1, make you and Sam look like you're. . . ."
"We're what?"
"Never mind. Anyway, this plot of theirs could threaten the Stargate Program. It could undermine our entire society!"
"Ah, come on, Daniel. Is it really that bad?"
"Yes, Jack, it is! They're thinking of doing another Fragile Balance episode."
"No way! There is no way I'm putting up with another Mini-Me. I almost strangled the other one. I didn't realize I was so annoying."
"Well, I could have told you that, Jack."
Jack shot him a sarcastic look. "So, what are we going to do?"
"Well, my brain would take care of it on his own, but he needs a body for this. Sam's does too."
"Sam's brain? I could have sworn I saw it sitting on some pedestal thing a while ago."
"Yeah. The scriptwriters put it there. Like I said, that's part of the plot. It's back in her body now. She and I got together last night and, uh . . . discussed things. We decided that we're not going to let this go on anymore. We've been working on a plan, putting our heads together like we used to back when the series was new. But we found out that The Powers that Be plan on killing the new scriptwriter. We can't let that happen, Jack! He's an important ally!"
"Okay, Daniel. Calm down. We won't let that happen. So, do you know how they plan on taking him out?"
"No, but I know where he is right now. He's at his apartment."
"All right, you go get Carter, and I'll grab Teal'c. Meet us at my car."
A while later, SG-1 pulled up in front of New Scriptwriter's apartment building.
"What's the apartment number?" Jack asked.
"Forty-two," Daniel replied.
Reaching the correct apartment, Jack knocked on the door. It was answered a moment later by an attractive man in his early forties. He blinked in surprise upon seeing them.
"What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be in the Real World. What if someone sees you and thinks that you're the actors who play you?"
"We don't have time to worry about that now," Jack told him. "Can we come in?"
New Scriptwriter let them inside. "So, why are you here?"
"The other scriptwriters have put a hit out on you because of the script you wrote, the one that lets me use my brain," Daniel told him.
New Scriptwriter nodded. "I'm not surprised."
"You're not?" Sam said.
"No. I expected something like this to happen once I started really pushing things. Up until now, I've been able to get away with a lot because I wasn't considered a real threat, but that's changing now."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You sound like you know all about this conspiracy thing," Jack said.
"Enough to know that it's a threat to our society. But I don't know a lot of the important details, like who the people are behind all of this and what their ultimate goal is. Whatever it is, Daniel's brain and keeping it out of the scripts is a vital piece of their plan, as is focusing on Sam's brain, the thing they've been trying to get going between Jack and Sam--"
"What thing?" Jack asked.
"Sir, you know what he's talking about," Sam said, giving him a meaningful look.
"Oh. That thing." Jack looked uncomfortable.
"Yeah, that thing, Jack," Daniel said. "And anyone with eyes can see that it's Sam and I who. . . ."
"Who what?"
Daniel and Sam glanced at each other, smiling secretively.
"Wait a sec! You mean you and Carter are . . . are. . . ."
"Uh huh," Daniel admitted.
"Oh. Uh . . . okay. Shouldn't I be jealous or something?"
"No, that's all a lie, Jack, an invention of the scriptwriters. You're not in love with Sam."
"I'm not?"
"Do you feel like you're in love with me, sir?" Sam asked.
"Um . . . no, I guess not. I only get that way when I'm doing an episode."
"Yeah, because you're under their influence," Daniel told him.
"You mean they've been controlling my brain, too?" Jack asked in outrage.
"What there is of it," Daniel replied.
"It appears that these scriptwriters are a dangerous enemy with far-reaching control," Teal'c determined.
New Scriptwriter shook his head. "Most of them are just lackeys following orders. The only one among them with any real power is Cigarette-Smoking Scriptwriter."
Sam shuddered. "He's the one who kept touching my brain. It was disgusting. He made my skin crawl."
Daniel put an arm around her shoulders. "That won't happen again, Sam."
"You bet it won't. The next time he tries to touch my brain, I'll show him what I can really do with level three advanced training."
The men all smiled at that thought.
"All right, so what's the plan?" Jack asked. "How do we stop them?"
Just then, Daniel spotted a red dot on New Scriptwriter's back and realized what it was. "Look out!" he yelled, grabbing the man and pushing him to the floor as a shot rang out. The lamp shattered, and the room was plunged into darkness.
- Maureen
Shortly after dropping to the floor, SG1 could hear the loud squeal of tires as the gunman sped away.
Jack raced to the window, keeping himself out of site as he attempted to get the plate number of the vehicle and make sure the area was free of any other attackers.
As Sam came out of reflex-mode, her brain processed what she'd just seen before the lights went out. The concern and panic in her voice was obvious as she cried out, "Daniel!?"
"I'm alive," came a very distraught voice.
"Are you okay?"
"Not exactly," he groaned.
"Where are you?" She crawled along the floor, using her hand to search in the direction from which Daniel's voice had come. Her right hand came into contact with a solid object, and she grabbed hold of it.
"That is my foot MajorCarter."
"Everything looks clear out here," Jack informed them.
>From her left side, a hand reached out and took hold of her arm. She moved with it as it pulled her closer to her intended destination. In the total blackness, her nose smashed directly into his.
As she pulled back to rub her wounded nose, she called out, "Isn't there another light in this place?"
This finally drew New Scriptwriter, who'd been sitting motionless until this point, out of his state of shock. "Oh, yeah. Let me get that," he stammered as he climbed to his feet. "You know, I'm fine with writing about people getting shot at, but it's a totally different experience when it's actually happening to me."
"It's alright, just get the lights," Sam told him before turning her attention back to Daniel. "Are you okay?"
"Well... now I've been shot *and* I have a broken nose."
Sam gasped. "Shot where?"
"In the arm. I'll be fine. I think it's just a flesh wound." His words were nonchalant but spoken through gritted teeth.
NS finally reached the light switch, and they were able to see once again.
"You hurt?" Jack asked NS as Sam made an attempt to determine just how badly Daniel was injured.
"No. Not at all." His smile beamed as he said the next words. "Wow. I can't believe Daniel just saved my life. That is so cool. Wait 'til everybody online hears about this! I could start savedbydanieljackson.com. Daniel, I'm gonna write some kick-ass scripts for you *and* your brain when this thing is over."
Daniel's only response was partial smile and a thumbs-up right before Sam helped him to his feet.
Getting slightly impatient, Teal'c interjected, "How did you come to know about the conspiracy among the other writers?"
"I told him," a voice called out as it emerged from the shadows of the next room.
All of SG1 called out in shock, "General Hammond?!?"
Sam was the most shocked. Hammond had figured out a mystery before she had. She felt like she should be ashamed of herself. At least Daniel had an excuse. His brain had been locked away. She'd had hers the whole time. Maybe all the polish that CSS used to keep it shiny was starting to kill a few brain cells. "How did you figure this out before we did?" she asked.
In response general simply turned his head toward the door he'd just come through. From it, emerged a petite figure.
"Janet?!?"
"I first suspected from the medical exams. Things just didn't match up."
"Come again?" Jack knew he wasn't always the first to pick up on things, but he was certain that either he'd zoned out a large portion of the conversation or Janet just wasn't making any sense.
"The physical symptoms of attraction: widening of the pupils, a quickened heartbeat. They weren't there between Jack and Sam, but it never failed that whenever I was examining Daniel or Sam, their heart rates would go off the charts. I was really concerned about their health until I figured it out." She paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "Of course, then I couldn't understand why Sam and Jack kept talking about their 'feelings'. I was totally perplexed, so I brought it to the general's attention."
Hammond finished the explanation, "Then we put two and two together and discovered what the script writers were trying to do. So we did the only thing we could think of: we recruited the new guy."
"Sir, why didn't you trust us with this?" Daniel asked. He voice sounded hurt and not just from the gunshot wound.
"I didn't want to put the four of you in any danger. You're the best chance earth and probably the universe has for survival right now. Believe me. If I thought it was beyond my control, I would have told you, all of you." He paused for a moment, pondering the gravity of the situation. Finally, he spoke in a very somber voice, "Of course, considering this assassination attempt, it may have just moved beyond my control..."
- Callea